Love messages of the day

"The hottest love has the coldest end."
-Socrates

"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams."
-Dr Seuss

" We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."
-Anonymous

Overcoming Jealousy

 

 

It's the feeling that wells up inside when a date speaks highly of an attractive coworker or when your soul mate seems a little too happy to see an ex at a party -- it's dating jealousy and it can take hold of you so fast and so hard that it leaves you and your relationship destroyed. Don't let jealousy take over your life: Follow these dating steps toward overcoming the green-eyed monster in you.

1. Leave the Players and the Flirts Behind

One of the best ways to overcome jealousy is to not get involved with flirts and players. There are singles out there who will thrive on making you jealous because they like the dating drama and attention. If you're jealous, they know that you are constantly obsessing over them and dwelling on them. By provoking your jealousy, they've just made themselves the center of your universe. Instead, be smart -- kick them out of your universe and find a better date.

 

2. Determine if You're Jealous in This Relationship or Every Relationship

In order to overcome jealousy, you've got to figure out whether you're being real or being paranoid. Normal jealousy can actually serve a purpose. It's there to alert you to a partner's possible infidelity -- a threat to the relationship. Is your relationship actually being threatened or is the jealousy in your head only? A good way to figure out if there's a basis to your jealousy is to reflect on your past relationships. Are you always jealous even if you haven't had a reason to be? Do you have trust issues in every relationship or just this one? Also, talk to some friends or family who can be objective about the situation and help you sort out your jealous feelings -- a counselor can also be helpful with this.

 

3. Get Confident in Dating

The source of a lot of the jealousy has nothing to do with what your date does; it lies within you. If you're upset because your date drools a little when he or she sees a fashion model or celebrity in a magazine, don't start comparing yourself to that image. Work on your dating confidence and focus on all you have to offer. Then, your envy of others will dramatically decrease.

 

4. Talk It Through

Learn to communicate your jealous feelings in a healthy way. For instance, let your mate know that you're jealous about the amount of time the attractive coworker gets to spend with him or her. Make sure as you're talking, you're not accusing. Accusing makes any person defensive, and you won't get anywhere.

5. Draw the Line

Particularly, if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone, you need to establish what behaviors are acceptable to you and what behaviors will bring out the green-eyed monster in you. Are you okay with your partner constantly texting a single man -- or single woman? Will that send you over the edge? How do you feel about your partner dancing with someone else at a club when you aren't around?

Establishing reasonable boundaries and respecting them gets both of you on the same playing field. The keyword here is reasonable. Setting a boundary like "Don't talk to any single men -- or single women -- you work with" is an impossible and smothering line to draw.

 

6. Strengthen Your Relationship in Other Ways

If you're overly jealous when there isn't a whole lot of reason to be, it means that your relationship isn't as strong as it should be. You need to evaluate what's lacking. Are you not spending enough quality time together? Has the passion died down over the years? Once you identify what's really concerning you, then you can address it with your partner and work on strengthening the relationship rather than wasting time and energy on empty jealous feelings.

 

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Dating Reality: Surprising Reason Men Don't Call Women Back

Dating researcher reveals genuine confessions from single men and offers insight on how single women can improve first impressions

By dating coach Rachel Greenwald

For the past 10 years as a dating coach, I conducted an unusual research project. I interviewed 1,000 single men asking why they didn't call a woman back after a date. This included asking why they lost interest after flirting with her at a party or after exchanging emails with her through an online dating site. (Rest assured, I didn't accept glib answers such as "There was just no chemistry;" rather, I used an "Exit Interview" technique I learned at Harvard Business School to prompt very candid responses.)

This infuriating situation is all too familiar for single women. You think there's a connection, but then suddenly you never hear from him again. What really happened? It turns out there are consistent reasons why men don't call back. Interestingly, these reasons rarely reflect who a woman is deep down, but rather the wrong impression she gave inadvertently by saying or doing small things. And the shocker? My research shows that 90 percent of the time your guesses are wrong.

Beware: 'The Boss Lady'

What was the #1 reason that 1,000 men didn't pursue a woman whom they were initially interested in? I've labeled it "The Boss Lady." He thinks she's terrific -- smart and successful -- but he decides he'd rather hire her than date her. In such a situation, women typically guess that men are intimidated by their success or strong personality. But men said they get enough aggression at work all day, and when they come home they want to be with someone softer, more nurturing. They do want someone intelligent with an interesting career, but they prefer a warm demeanor.

The term "boss" here reflects men's attitudes that certain women seem either argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing, or some combination of the above. Of course, women don't use the same terminology to describe this behavior. Instead, women might rightfully identify themselves as persuasive, capable, street-smart, organized, modern, confident, or forthright.

Importantly, the real issue is not what you are or aren't at your core, but rather that trivial comments or actions are screening you out before he can really get to know and appreciate all of you.

Exit Interviews: Identifying 'The Boss Lady'

Paul (from Miami) labeled two women he dated "argumentative." He expressed frustration that he couldn't find a woman who challenged him intellectually but didn't bulldoze him at the same time. He said, "I want a conversation to be a fun, intellectual exchange of ideas -- not a heated argument."

Scott (from St. Louis) described one date that fizzled after trying to select an appetizer to share at dinner. He mentioned that he didn't like curry. His date shot back, "Who doesn't like curry? How can you not like curry?" Scott said the curry issue was argued for several minutes, and no matter what he said, she had a challenging retort. "Jeez," he sighed to me, "all she had to do was say, 'Okay, you don't like curry, then do you want to share the artichoke dip?'"

Jake (from New York City) thought his date was smart but he wasn't attracted to her "masculine vibe." She was wearing a dark business suit, no jewelry, and had a short haircut. He summed it up, "If you're a girl, dress like a girl!" Other men described "manly" women who had a brisk power stride when they walked down the sidewalk, or women who tried to hail the taxi during their date instead of letting the man do it, or women who frequently used business-speak such as "The bottom line is...." The Boss Lady made him feel like he was at the office, not on a romantic date.

Let me be very clear: My research does not imply you should change who you are or pretend to be someone you're not. Rather, the goal is to keep the ball in your court. If you are aware of the stereotypes with which men label women, and if you can make a few quick and easy adjustments, then more men will call you for a second date. Then you can accept or decline his invitation: you're doing the selecting, not him.

So, what to do if you think men are stereotyping you as The Boss Lady? Here are three easy tips:

1. Soften your delivery. Some of the negative perceptions a man has about The Boss Lady are reactions to how she speaks and acts, not about her inherent personality. Toning down your conversation style from combative or challenging to gracious, and even a little flirtatious, goes a long way. And if you find yourself on opposite sides of an issue, try sprinkling qualifying words into your dialogue such as "I think" or "I wonder" or "maybe," which allow for disagreement but aren't adversarial.
2. Look like a woman. At work, conservative and structured clothing allows you to be taken seriously, but it's not exactly sensual by candlelight. Don't go straight from work in your power suit to meet him for dinner; rather, change into something soft and flirty. And try growing your hair longer: men told me that shoulder-length hair (or longer) is more feminine. Sure, you're a strong and capable woman, but think Scarlett O'Hara not Hillary Clinton.
3. Select what you need, not want. Like the Rolling Stones say, "You can't always get what you want, but you just might find, you get what you need." So think hard about the men you're selecting. For The Boss Lady, a nurturing, giving type of guy can be optimal (maybe he's a teacher or chef instead of Wall Street broker?). That's the opposite image of what most successful career women seek, but your best match might be a man who balances you emotionally: someone who is laid-back, sweet, surrendering, and patient. He might be just what you need.

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Did it help? or it just sucks? Let me know by giving your comments! :)

Dating 101: Guys Who Don't Get the 2nd Date

I read this article of Rachel Greenwald, a dating coach, that will really help many puzzled guys out there about not getting a second date:

Dating study reveals a surprising trend in the type of single men that fail to entice women to continue courtship.

"It's a cat and mouse game; puppy dogs don't win." Let me explain.

As a dating coach and matchmaker, I've spent the past 10 years conducting some unconventional dating research using a business concept called "Exit Interviews." While earning my MBA degree at Harvard Business School, I learned how candid exit interviews from an employee leaving his company can reveal crucial feedback, empowering managers to get something right next time with future clients and employees. So I thought: why not try this tactic in the dating world?

The Dating Poll

In one poll, I asked over 100 single women to confess the real reasons they didn't accept a second date with a man. My goal was to help men discover simple mistakes or misperceptions which they could adjust next time with someone new. The women I interviewed came from 23 states and 6 countries, with ages ranging from 21 to 68. Five top reasons emerged strong and consistent, but what was the number-one turnoff? Did it have something to do with the shortcomings of the bad boys, men afraid of commitment, or guys who were too short, bald, potbellied, or unemployed? Not at all. Here, single women define the men they dated who don't make it for a second round of courtship.

The Puppy Dog

Betsy, a 50-year-old lawyer in Seattle, mused about a guy she dated who reminded her of that "Sex and the City" episode when Carrie was dating Aidan and complained about how he was too available: He didn't do the ever-seductive withholding dance or make her stomach flip. Betsy admitted, "The early stage of dating is just one big game, whether we like it or not. It's a cat and mouse game; puppy dogs don't win."

The Incessant Flatterer

Emily, a 39-year-old writer from Boston, said about one man, "Eagerness can be flattering, but this felt a little desperate... it became annoying. Also, because it was a first date, [I think] it had more to do with a fantasy about me, than me." Hillary, a 35-year-old magazine editor from New York, NY, remarked, "I went out with him in the first place because he was so complimentary to me. I thought I should give him a chance. Normally I like a man who doesn't play games, but the flattery really became overkill." Karen, a 28-year-old health care consultant in Madison, WI, sighed, "He looked like a sad puppy when I said goodnight."

The Edgeless Man

Women complained in droves about single men who reminded them of puppies. These guys followed them around and were too eager to please. Men who were "too nice" often appeared desperate or weak. They didn't have an "edge." And their "gushing" early emails with excessive flattery were a turnoff.

The Over-Gusher

Liz, a 41-year-old language translator from Sherman Oaks, CA, told me about the guy who sent such effusive emails after they met that she "was disappointed to receive them." She said, "I wanted the polite, even enthusiastic thank-you along with a compliment or two, but not the over-gush. I guess I wanted him to maintain a little mystery." Jenna, a 33-year-old graphic designer in Miami, FL, commented: "He was too nice, too transparent... he didn't intrigue me."

The Sweetie

Emma, a 25-year-old advertising associate in London, described a guy she could have "walked all over." And Shannon, a 38-year-old accountant from Cincinnati, remembered declining a third date with a too-nice guy who came to her office after she got promoted. He spent hours organizing her files and brought her an expensive "congratulations" plant. She said, "He was so good on paper, and I guess I'd call him 'sweet,' but he didn't have an edge."

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

As these confessions poured in, I worried whether the old adage "Nice guys finish last" could actually be true. I hoped not, because I personally love "nice guys" (I even married one! And after 16 happy years, let me offer this endorsement: nice guys are the only ones who stand the test of time). But as I spoke to women in more detail, they clarified what they really meant, and I felt reassured. It's not that women don't want a "nice guy" (they absolutely do when they are in a marriage-minded mode!), but rather guys should simply monitor the quantity of their effusive compliments and sweet gestures. Like most things in life, a little bit of a good thing goes a long way, but too much is overwhelming and usually a turnoff.

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Dating 101: Four Signs He's Over You

 

Has your guy been behaving strangely lately? Be warned: This could be his exit strategy.
By Dating blogger Gregory Gilderman



Sure, guys are supposed to be the tougher sex, but when it comes to breaking up with a chick, we turn into serious wusses. Of course, we know the right thing would be to sit you down and say, "Listen, it's over." But no -- instead, we use passive-aggressive tactics in the hopes that you'll hate us so much, you'll pull the plug first. Some clues your guy could be taking the coward's way out...

#1. He Doesn't Do What He Says He Will
Yes, it's true: You usually have to ask guys about 10 times before they'll actually help you put in those bathroom shelves -- that's typical. But when he promises to go with you to a friend's party and then bails or doesn't call when he says he will, that's a problem. "When I started losing interest in my ex, I intentionally became really flaky," says Bruce, 24. "I just didn't feel like going out of my way for her anymore."

#2. He Keeps Asking You, "Are We Okay?"
Let's be honest here: Single men hate to talk about relationships. So if he starts suggesting weekly powwows, take notice. "I didn't want to just flat out break her heart, so instead, I tried to hint that I wasn't the right guy for her," says Jack, 32. "I'd ask, 'So, what do you want for the future?' Since I knew she wanted a guy who could take care of her financially, I'd say something like 'I don't want to be a VP someday. Money is overrated.' After enough of these talks, she realized I wouldn't be the rich husband she wanted."

#3. He Makes You into the Bad Guy
Your guy starts constantly choosing his buddies over you... and yet, he says you're the selfish one. It's called deflecting. "I'd been wanting to break up with my girl, but I couldn't bring myself to do it," explains Tyler, 28. "So instead, I made it seem like she was a rotten girlfriend by telling her she wasn't giving me enough of her time or accusing her of cheating." See how it works? Eventually, you'll be dying to free yourself from his incessant harping (or so he hopes).

#4. He Makes Comments About Attractive Women
Look, no guy is stupid enough to go on about how sensual some random chick is in front of his girlfriend... unless, of course, he's trying to be inconsiderate. "Once I knew it was over, I just stopped censoring myself," says David, 27. "If I were watching a music video on TV, I would say that I'd never seen a body so perfect. I knew it upset her, but I just didn't care at that point."

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Dating Rules: Secrets to Keep and Secrets to Spill

Girls out there! Confused whether you're gonna tell your partner your greatest secrets or not? Here's an article of Marisa Cohen that will really help you in that:


In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.

But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many relationships) is an affair -- and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.

So how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked dating experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).

Dating Rule #1: Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of "Is He Mr. Right?" This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).

As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually -- or inevitably -- implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen, a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself." A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow, but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal.

When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, "Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand!" But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control -- out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says Redbook Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." "They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."

Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises Redbook Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of "Getting the Love Your Want." It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum. "And that can be deeply wounding."

Dating Rule #2: Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones -- especially those transgressions from your distant past -- that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed.

Here's another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first.

Coming clean about your romantic past is a worthy goal, but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted."

Dating Rule #3: Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship. If he knew every last detail about your life, what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?

Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough: if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."

Just make sure you and your guy are on the same page. If you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways. Don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag -- and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car.

Some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out -- and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.

How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:

Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him. Say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"

Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.

Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"

Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust -- or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.

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How to Know if Someone Likes You Romantically

Behavior

Step 1

Pay attention to your conversations with the person in question. Does this person show a special interest in having a conversation with you and, once started, make an effort to keep that conversation going?

Step 2

Is this person "accidentally" running into you in places where he or she knows you will be, such as at your desk? At the Laundromat on Tuesdays? At your brother's birthday party?

Step 3

Make a note if he or she mentions future plans to spend time with you: "That band is coming to town soon. We should really get tickets."

Step 4

Spend time alone together. Canceling other plans in order to be with you longer, or not finding excuses to leave, could be a sign of interest.

Step 5

Has he or she been calling for random reasons, such as, "I was wondering if you knew what that pizza place down the street is called," followed by, "Are you hungry?"

Step 6

Has this person taken a sudden interest in your life and hobbies? This is a sure sign that he or she is interested in something - and it's probably not your stamp collection.

Step 7

Observe how the person acts around your friends - he or she might be extra friendly to your closest pals for a reason.


Body Language

Step 1

Sometimes seeing someone you have a crush on results in telltale physiological signs. Does the person in question blush when you look at him or her? His or her sympathetic nervous system is probably going into overdrive. Does he or she have trouble speaking, using jumbled words when talking to you?

Step 2

See if the person in question mirrors your motions: When you lean back, he or she leans back; when you put your elbows on the table, he or she does the same.

Step 3

Note whether this person sits or stands in the open position - that is, facing you with arms uncrossed. In addition, a woman tends to cross her legs in a man's direction.

Step 4

Does he or she move closer to you and/or touch you subtly, such as with a pat of your hand or a touch of your cheek?

Step 5

Other elements of body language include frequent eye contact, holding your gaze and looking down before looking away, energetic speech coupled with open hands, and flashing palms.

Step 6

Does the person you're wondering about just plain smile at you a lot?


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